I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
