I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
