so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
