Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
