Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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