did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
