My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
