I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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