Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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