im about as happy as oj after his trial
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
