I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
