fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
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Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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