1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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