You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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