what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
