Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
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Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
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Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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