My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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