Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
