and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
