I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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