Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
