We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
