God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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