Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Pants are for mortals
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
