I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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