he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
