you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
