Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
