I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
