And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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