The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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