Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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