You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
