It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
