They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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