Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he was CRYING into my vagina
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
