She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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