Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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