My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
