Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
