The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You're like the curious george of whores
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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