I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
