why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
This is my gift to your gina
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
