It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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