So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
