think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
