eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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