Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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