didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I think my moral compass just broke
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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