I wish my penis had an off switch
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
