so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
