I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea