you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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