Sry I called you an 8
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
