My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
