When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
