i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
