Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it wasn't lemon gatorade
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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