I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
