someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
