When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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