When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
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New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
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As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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